My ideal love

He sees me from across the room… and it is only me he sees. Others may try to distract him, but his eyes concentrate on me. He meets me amidst all the beauty that surrounds him, and yet he chooses me, he makes me understand, there is no other girl he sees.

He locks his eyes to mine, and hears of my insecurities, he pulls me close, and expresses his sorrow for my need. He does not enwrap himself in my world, yet becomes apart of what I live. He respects the way I think, and I understand his needs.

He demands that I try for every goal in my life, he helps me succeed even when I fall. He holds my hand through the battle, even though I might fail. He sees my heart, and he loves it for all it’s mistakes, for the past, for the present. He wishes to be apart of my future.

He tries, and when he fails, I am there to wipe away whatever sadness I can. He hurts inside, a destruction he can’t understand. I do not try to take away his hurt, I try to comfort his heart. I respect him deeply, and I am not afraid to look him in the eyes.

He is not afraid to fall to his knees in prayer, in thanks or in turmoil. He witnesses joys, and snares, and yet he stands against the grain. He is strong to others, and I will be stronger for him, as he will be strong for me.

I desire to love him with such a deep love, one that I will not give away too easily. He will understand the time to come to that place. He will know that I will never be the answer, and I will never look to him to be mine. We can both go to the Lord for the answers we need.

He will hold me when my heart is aching, and desire to take away all my pain. I will soothe him when his body is hurting to just stay on top of the game. I will disagree with him, but I will never disrespect him to others. He will be my closest friend, and secretly the only one who will truly understands what happens at the end of the day.

We will be different, and I will love him for his differences, he will love me for my eccentricities. I will desire to hear his voice, even if it makes me cringe – for there is comfort in something so deep within.

I will love him endlessly, I will not purposely hurt him, lie or deceive. I will not play games or be careless with his heart. I hope he too is watching out for me. I want to be able to look him in the eyes, tell him of my life. I do not want to be ashamed for any more than I already am…. My past is still my past, but it could possible hurt him.

This is why I must be so careful with my heart, to give it away to anyone, would be careless on my part. To date would be okay, but please don’t ask me to give too much away. A token of companionship, a crumb of acceptance… this is not what I long for… and I could never tell him, that I was too impatient.

I am open to discovery, I would love to try new things… but please don’t take me back to where my past leads. I want to learn from him how he loves life, I too will share with him the love of mine. This I do not mind doing with someone I am getting to know…. But you must understand, I have to protect my heart. If you end up being the one, then you can rest assured – I waited for you… and those three beautiful words.

Across the Room...

I see you, and from across the room our eyes meet.
I wonder, if you think the way that I think.
My heart beats.
I half smile, and then you do.
I look away, blushing deep pink.
I look up again, and see you are gone.
I missed my chance.
My heart beats.
I look away, embarrassed to stare.
I look up again, and then you are there.
I blink in confusion, and half grin in your direction.
I see you enjoy my imperfection.
I consider the thought, of walking over.
My heart beats.
I cannot, my legs feel like rubber.
I sit and read, looking up periodically.
I continue to catch your eyes, in the direction of mine.
My heart beats.
I give you a smile of permission, and you tilt your head.
I shrug my shoulders, and you smile instead.
I continue to read, wrapped in the book.
I figure you are not coming for a closer look.
I look up once more, and see you are gone.
I stop for a moment, confused in my thoughts.
My heart beats.
I begin to read, trying not to think.
I look up, and there you are smiling across from me.
My heart beats.
I don’t know what to do, so I smile oddly back.
My heart beats.
I hear you say hello, I half smile in response
My heart beats.
I invite you to sit, and you take a seat.
My heart beats.
I confidently scoot up, and tuck my legs under me.
I see you across from me, and our eyes meet.
My heart beats.
I wonder… if you think… the way that I think.

Am I lovely?

I do not think I am lovely,
I do not feel I am.
It is hard to recognize my beauty,
When even I don’t understand.

Loveliness is a beauty that appeals -
to the emotions as well as the eye.
I do not think I have either,
I am dry.

It is crazy to think, that I could ever be,
Lovely to some, just not to me.
I am annoyed by this idea,
There must be a remedy.

How can I believe I am lovely,
When others deny it so?
It is hard to recognize my beauty,
When no one seems to know.

Loveliness is perceived by others,
It is not judged by yourself.
If others don’t see loveliness,
How can it be helped?

I am tormented by this discovery,
I wish I had never known.
Perhaps I shall never be lovely,
And yet I want it so….

A hard one to miss

You are a hard one not to miss…. Not because of your physical sense, but because of the memories you bring. A certain song, smell or environment reminds me of you. I keep thinking things will return to the same as they once were – but when you crash right into truth like a clear glass window, it is hard to grasp at the concept of an unreturning friendship – but a longing heart.

How do I return to a place where you were unimportant to me, when the mere sound of your voice brings a smile to my face. When do I get to shake you and tell you that I am not a mistake, but a strong investment and a lifelong friend. I promised you, I promised you…. I promised that my friendship would always be with you – even when things are tough, such as they are now. Perhaps the promise should have never been made?

No, no, no, no! Such does the war of my heart begin… the thought of never knowing you makes even the sheer misery I feel not collaborating with you, more miserable. I feel terrible even considering the thought. Somehow, I feel as though I can fix it all. Other attempts for others have failed, but not with you. Our theories were similar, our concepts alike… this is miserable for you too – I see it in your eyes.

At times, I wish to be cold-hearted…. Entertaining the thought, considering the life I would lead – and the lack of resistance I would face. I cannot, I feel, I hurt, and it is real. I tried to be cold-hearted, but then I see so much. Yet, I allow you to hurt me, because I have not closed the door on you, and I cannot close the door on you. I see the lifetime of trust a friendship can provide, I hear the strong heartbeat of a child who has to know the exhilaration of caring, I know the value of persistence. While this may not be all that you provide, it is in truth of who I am. If I have made a promise, I keep it.

I promised you respect, and friendship. My heartache lies in the expectation I set for others to return the same. It is my fault, and my downfall. I do not know if this will change. For I have experienced true friendship… and the Lord has taught me to be a friend. Respect will still remain, and my promise holds true. If you need a friend, I am still here with an open heart.

love

"I believe in love, I hope love believes in me"

I have been waiting to dream for many a night- not the dream that you might suppose,
but the dream of a plan, a vision, a purpose... something to drive me. Drive me into something new, something challenging and unknown - the exhileration of the opportunity, the sparkle of possibility. An amazing dream where I am not the only star to shine, but joined by others in a combining attempt to try together... and rejoice in the success. I have been waiting to dream for many a night - it isn't at all the dream I composed. The plans and visions did not make sense of purpose, but it drives me into the unknown.

Rejection

This tear I cry, is soley for you. For the future we may not have, for the past that I miss. You may never understand what your friendship meant to me, it was refreshing, and an incredible journey. You requested that I do not miss you, and not to waste my time. The truth is, you deserve so much more... and so do I. It upsets me that you dismissed me so easily, I wish you could see what you are letting go - I am not quite sure you do... if you did this wouldn't be so easy. I know you are hurting, I see it in your eyes. I wish you didn't know that I was hurting too. This situation does not come with a quick remedy, it would take trying to regain whatever we once had. Regardless of the understanding, and my respect for you... it still hurts to not ask anything of you. Seeing you is difficult, responding even harder... saying hi across a crowd won't cut it any longer. I deserve more than the blow off, way more than the rejection, but I know I could never live up to the standard of perfection. The friends I have, are not the small talk kind. It is with great sadness when I read what you implied. I could respect your request, and understand your terms... but when do I get to be selfish, what about my turn? *sigh* your request is too much, to pretend we're ok... I am sorry I can't do it. This is not the way. A true friendship is work, it takes a lot of time. You have to be devoted. An honor to call you friend, but wouldn't it be a lie? I wish I could ask what you think... but again the rejection speaks.