A hard one to miss

You are a hard one not to miss…. Not because of your physical sense, but because of the memories you bring. A certain song, smell or environment reminds me of you. I keep thinking things will return to the same as they once were – but when you crash right into truth like a clear glass window, it is hard to grasp at the concept of an unreturning friendship – but a longing heart.

How do I return to a place where you were unimportant to me, when the mere sound of your voice brings a smile to my face. When do I get to shake you and tell you that I am not a mistake, but a strong investment and a lifelong friend. I promised you, I promised you…. I promised that my friendship would always be with you – even when things are tough, such as they are now. Perhaps the promise should have never been made?

No, no, no, no! Such does the war of my heart begin… the thought of never knowing you makes even the sheer misery I feel not collaborating with you, more miserable. I feel terrible even considering the thought. Somehow, I feel as though I can fix it all. Other attempts for others have failed, but not with you. Our theories were similar, our concepts alike… this is miserable for you too – I see it in your eyes.

At times, I wish to be cold-hearted…. Entertaining the thought, considering the life I would lead – and the lack of resistance I would face. I cannot, I feel, I hurt, and it is real. I tried to be cold-hearted, but then I see so much. Yet, I allow you to hurt me, because I have not closed the door on you, and I cannot close the door on you. I see the lifetime of trust a friendship can provide, I hear the strong heartbeat of a child who has to know the exhilaration of caring, I know the value of persistence. While this may not be all that you provide, it is in truth of who I am. If I have made a promise, I keep it.

I promised you respect, and friendship. My heartache lies in the expectation I set for others to return the same. It is my fault, and my downfall. I do not know if this will change. For I have experienced true friendship… and the Lord has taught me to be a friend. Respect will still remain, and my promise holds true. If you need a friend, I am still here with an open heart.