A hard one to miss

You are a hard one not to miss…. Not because of your physical sense, but because of the memories you bring. A certain song, smell or environment reminds me of you. I keep thinking things will return to the same as they once were – but when you crash right into truth like a clear glass window, it is hard to grasp at the concept of an unreturning friendship – but a longing heart.

How do I return to a place where you were unimportant to me, when the mere sound of your voice brings a smile to my face. When do I get to shake you and tell you that I am not a mistake, but a strong investment and a lifelong friend. I promised you, I promised you…. I promised that my friendship would always be with you – even when things are tough, such as they are now. Perhaps the promise should have never been made?

No, no, no, no! Such does the war of my heart begin… the thought of never knowing you makes even the sheer misery I feel not collaborating with you, more miserable. I feel terrible even considering the thought. Somehow, I feel as though I can fix it all. Other attempts for others have failed, but not with you. Our theories were similar, our concepts alike… this is miserable for you too – I see it in your eyes.

At times, I wish to be cold-hearted…. Entertaining the thought, considering the life I would lead – and the lack of resistance I would face. I cannot, I feel, I hurt, and it is real. I tried to be cold-hearted, but then I see so much. Yet, I allow you to hurt me, because I have not closed the door on you, and I cannot close the door on you. I see the lifetime of trust a friendship can provide, I hear the strong heartbeat of a child who has to know the exhilaration of caring, I know the value of persistence. While this may not be all that you provide, it is in truth of who I am. If I have made a promise, I keep it.

I promised you respect, and friendship. My heartache lies in the expectation I set for others to return the same. It is my fault, and my downfall. I do not know if this will change. For I have experienced true friendship… and the Lord has taught me to be a friend. Respect will still remain, and my promise holds true. If you need a friend, I am still here with an open heart.

love

"I believe in love, I hope love believes in me"

I have been waiting to dream for many a night- not the dream that you might suppose,
but the dream of a plan, a vision, a purpose... something to drive me. Drive me into something new, something challenging and unknown - the exhileration of the opportunity, the sparkle of possibility. An amazing dream where I am not the only star to shine, but joined by others in a combining attempt to try together... and rejoice in the success. I have been waiting to dream for many a night - it isn't at all the dream I composed. The plans and visions did not make sense of purpose, but it drives me into the unknown.

Rejection

This tear I cry, is soley for you. For the future we may not have, for the past that I miss. You may never understand what your friendship meant to me, it was refreshing, and an incredible journey. You requested that I do not miss you, and not to waste my time. The truth is, you deserve so much more... and so do I. It upsets me that you dismissed me so easily, I wish you could see what you are letting go - I am not quite sure you do... if you did this wouldn't be so easy. I know you are hurting, I see it in your eyes. I wish you didn't know that I was hurting too. This situation does not come with a quick remedy, it would take trying to regain whatever we once had. Regardless of the understanding, and my respect for you... it still hurts to not ask anything of you. Seeing you is difficult, responding even harder... saying hi across a crowd won't cut it any longer. I deserve more than the blow off, way more than the rejection, but I know I could never live up to the standard of perfection. The friends I have, are not the small talk kind. It is with great sadness when I read what you implied. I could respect your request, and understand your terms... but when do I get to be selfish, what about my turn? *sigh* your request is too much, to pretend we're ok... I am sorry I can't do it. This is not the way. A true friendship is work, it takes a lot of time. You have to be devoted. An honor to call you friend, but wouldn't it be a lie? I wish I could ask what you think... but again the rejection speaks.

missing

I miss you
I do not know why

I miss your smile
and it makes me cry

I miss your heart
although you didn't give me a chance

I can't stop thinking about you
it makes my mind a mess

How could you consume my mind
when I didn't know you long?

It makes me hurt all over
you ached to prove yourself best.

Now here we are, not speaking
was it really for the best?

Your friendship was most special
my favorite part...

You believed someone else
never asking for my part

The hurt was deeper
than you may understand

I sit here missing you
for no reason at all

days of negativity

Those days when I feel like a failure, I turn to you my loving God.
Those days when not one person utters the truth, you whisper in my ear.
Those days when the overwhelming staus of life is all but defeating, you lift me up.
Those days when I am weary of the climb you bring me and show me the beauty of where I stand.
I am scared dear Lord of all my failure, scared of what I do not know.
How can I serve you only, when I am the only thing I know.

Those days when my humaness is blatant, your forgiveness rains supreme.
Those days when I feel awkward, you show my hearts reflection.
Those days when I am uncertain, you take the time to spend - on a wayward girl who keeps trying... even when it feels like there's no end.
Those days when I am mistunderstood, you love the person I am.
It still frightens me the truth... the truth I don't understand.
How can I help the needs of others, when I can barely help my own?

Those days when I forget to thank you, you always make the sun shine again.
Those days when people don't like me, you tell me to be still.
Those days when life feels unprecious, you remind me the urgency of time.
Those days when I can't let go, you take time to work with me.
While it still frightens me, while I cannot understand
The truth of your promise remains with me - I must take time to try again.
You are my answer, my truth, my life...
I will trust you always - even when I think I'm right.